Emotionally Healthy Christian Seeks the Same

“The righteous choose their friends carefully.” (Proverbs 12:26a NIV)

If you wait for the perfect wife or the perfect husband, it isn’t going to happen. Let me tell you why: We’re all broken. That’s OK, because God still loves you. But you need to understand that anybody you marry will be broken.

Everybody’s broken, but some people are a lot more broken than others. And you need to avoid them no matter how good-looking, rich, or nice they are. You have to figure out the emotional health of your potential partner before you enter into a long-term relationship.

Why am I saying this? Study after study has shown that 80 percent of all separations and divorce happen because one or both of the partners are emotionally unhealthy.

I’m going to give you a partial checklist of emotional health factors. These aren’t my opinion; this is what God says you need to avoid.

Whoever you marry must not be nursing any uncontrolled anger. Proverbs 22:24 says, “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person; do not associate with one easily angered” (NIV). Do you know why? Because uncontrolled anger reveals deep insecurity and low self-worth.

Whoever you marry must not be stuck in an addiction. Proverbs 23:20 says, “Don’t associate with people who drink too much wine or stuff themselves with food” (TEV). Only two things are mentioned here, food and alcohol, but there are a thousand ways to get addicted.

Whoever you marry must not be harboring bitterness. Bitterness is like a poison — it eats you alive. Whatever you resent, you begin to resemble. To stop resenting; you’ve got to release it. The Bible says in Hebrews 12:15, “Guard against turning back from the grace of God. Let no one become like a bitter plant that grows up and causes many troubles with its poison” (GNT).

Whoever you marry must not be selfish. Why? Proverbs 28:25 says, “Selfishness only causes trouble.” When it comes down to it, the number one cause of conflict in marriage is simple: selfishness.

Whoever you marry must not be greedy. Proverbs 15:27 says, “Greed brings grief to the whole family” (NLT). If you marry a greedy spouse, you will be in debt your entire life.

Whoever you marry must be generous and kind. The Bible says, “A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed” (Proverbs 11:25 NIV). And,“Those who are kind benefit themselves, but the cruel bring ruin on themselves”(Proverbs 11:17).

Whoever you marry must tell the truth. Proverbs 20:7 says this: “A righteous person lives on the basis of his integrity. Blessed are his children after he is gone” (GWT). Love is based on trust, and trust is based on truth. If you don’t tell me the truth, I can’t trust you. And if I can’t trust you, how can I love you?

You might be thinking, “This sure is a long list, Rick. I’m not sure if I’ll ever find anybody who fits this.” Oh, really? I did. And you can, too.

When Kay and I got married, Leonard Ravenhill, who was a great preacher of the previous generation, sent us a wedding card. I’ve never forgotten what it said: “God always gives his best to those who leave the choice to him.” I wanted God’s best in my life, and I got it.

Talk It Over

• What are some other emotional health factors that you think God wants you to consider in a potential partner?
   
• How does selfishness cause conflict in a relationship?

Courageous People Resolve Conflict

“God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but a spirit of power, love, and self discipline.” (2 Timothy 1:7 NLT)

Why does God want us to live at peace with everyone? Because unresolved conflict has three devastating effects in your life.

First, it blocks your fellowship with God. When you’re out of whack with others, you can’t be in harmony with God. When you’re distracted, when you’re in conflict with other people, you cannot have a clear connection with God. 1 John 4:20 says, “If someone says, ‘I love God,’ but hates a Christian brother or sister, that person is a liar” (NLT).

Second, unresolved conflict hinders your prayers. Over and over again the Bible says that where there is conflict and sin and disharmony in your life, your prayers are blocked.

Third, unsolved conflict hinders your happiness. You cannot be happy and in conflict at the same time. When conflict comes in the front door, happiness goes out the back.

So, don’t you want to get rid of the conflict in your life? The starting point of resolving any conflict is to take the initiative. Don’t wait for them to come to you; go to them. You be the peacemaker.

Don’t ignore the conflict. Don’t deny the conflict. Don’t push the conflict under the carpet.

Have you heard the expression, “Time heals everything?” That’s a bunch of bologna. Time heals nothing! If time heals everything, you wouldn’t ever need to see the doctor.

Actually, time makes things worse. When you’ve got an open wound and you don’t deal with it, it festers. Anger turns to resentment, and resentment turns to bitterness.

The conflict is not going to resolve itself. You’ve got to intentionally deal with it.

Only courageous people resolve conflict. Maybe the most courageous thing you can do is face an issue that you’ve been ignoring for a long time in your marriage, or with your kids, or with your employees, or your boss, or whoever.

Where do you find the courage to face it? You get it from God.

The Bible says in 2 Timothy 1:7, “God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but a spirit of power, love, and self discipline.” That means if you let God’s Spirit fill your life, you're going to be filled with power, love, and self-discipline. And God’s love overcomes fear.

When your love is greater than your fear, you’ll do things you’re afraid to do. That’s called courage. When you’re filled with God’s love, you’ll also be filled with love for that person who is irritating you or that person you’re in conflict with.

Talk About It

• What are you pretending is not a problem in your relationships? Money? Trust? In-laws? Family? Children? Communication? Values? Work schedule?
   
• What will you do today to take the initiative to resolve those conflicts?

Do You Need a Heart Transplant?

The fear of human opinion disables; trusting in God protects you from that.” (Proverbs 29:25 MSG)

If you’re going to get control of anger in your life, you must base your identity on Jesus, understanding that he loves you unconditionally, that you are his, that you are valuable, and that he has a purpose and plan for your life.

If you build your identity on anything else, you’ll struggle with insecurity your whole life. You can build your identity on your job, but you can lose your job. You can build your identity on how good-looking you are, but you may lose your good looks. You can build your identity on the person you married, but he or she is going to die. You can build your identity on being popular, but you’re not always going to be popular.

If you build your identity on anything that can be taken away from you, you’re going to be insecure, and insecurity is at the root of your anger. Until you start feeling secure about yourself, people are going to be able to push your buttons. When you know who you are and whose you are, people can’t push your buttons. They can’t get to you. Anger and insecurity go together. The more insecure you feel, the angrier you feel.

The Bible says in Proverbs 29:25, “The fear of human opinion disables; trusting in God protects you from that” (MSG).

When you get angry, your mouth just reveals what’s inside your heart. A harsh tongue reveals an angry heart. A negative tongue reveals a fearful heart. A boasting tongue reveals an insecure heart. An overactive tongue reveals an unsettled heart. A judgmental tongue reveals a guilty heart. A critical tongue reveals a bitter heart. A filthy tongue reveals an impure heart.

On the other hand, an encouraging tongue reveals a happy heart, a gentle tongue reveals a loving heart, and a controlled tongue reveals a peaceful heart.

You know what you need to get rid of your anger problem? You need a heart transplant. Fortunately, God specializes in them. It’s called salvation! God gives you a brand new heart and a brand new identity. You don’t have to find your identity in your job or your bank account or your good looks or your relationships, because you find your identity in what God says about you.

Jesus can heal the three things that cause anger: hurt, frustration, and fear. Jesus can heal your hurting heart with his love. Jesus can replace your frustrated heart with his peace. Jesus can replace your insecure heart with his power.

If you pick up a crying baby and hold it close so that it feels warm and secure, it stops crying. It stops being angry. When you feel secure and accepted in Jesus Christ, your anger is going to dissipate.

Pray this prayer today: “Dear God, I admit I have a problem with my anger. I let other people push my buttons, I get even, and I don’t think before speaking. I’m asking for your help. Help me to reflect before reacting. Help me to learn to release my anger appropriately. Help me to find my identity completely in you. I open myself completely to you. Come into my life. Save me. Make the changes that only you can make. In your name I pray. Amen.”

Anger Yields Anger, Wisdom Yields Patience

“A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.” (Proverbs 19:11 NIV)

Hurt people hurt people. When someone hurts you, it’s because they’ve been hurt. Unkind people have never felt kindness. Unloving people feel unloved. When someone is rude, bitter, unkind, sarcastic, mean spirited, or arrogant, they are shouting with all of their behaviors, “I am in pain! I need massive doses of love! I do not feel secure!” Because secure, loved people don’t act that way. The person who feels deeply loved and deeply secure is generous and gracious to other people.

If you want to just get even with people, fine. You’re no better than they are. When you get even, you are no better than the person who has attacked you. To be better than that person, you overcome evil with good. You respond with love. You look past their words to their pain.

Edwin Markum wrote a short poem that goes like this: “They drew a circle to shut me out, heretic, a rebel, a thing to flout. But love and I had the wit to win. We drew a circle that took them in.”

Here’s a myth that everybody’s been sold by modern psychology but that is flat out wrong: You have only a set amount of anger in your life, and it’s like you’ve got a bucket of anger. When that bucket gets full, modern psychologists say you need to express it. You need to just pour it out. Then, when the bucket is empty, it will be cathartic.

If you believe this myth, you’re going to struggle with anger your entire life, because you don’t have a bucket of anger in your life. You have a factory! That factory can keep on producing and producing and producing. When you get rid of that, you’ll get more. In fact, the more anger you throw out, the more it produces.

Study after study has shown that aggression only creates more aggression. Angry outbursts lead to more anger, more often, until it becomes a habitual pattern in your life.

The answer is not just to throw it out. It’s just going to refill! The answer is to let it go. “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense” (Proverbs 19:11 NIV).

Talk About It

• Why do you think it is so hard for us to let things go, even and sometimes especially between the people we love most?
   
• What can you fill your life with so that you overflow with goodness and not anger?

Where's the Hope?

“Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and he will give you everything you need.” (Luke 12:31 NLT)

God’s will for your life is good, pleasing, and perfect. But you’ve got to have a worldview shift that transforms and renews the mind.

Jesus said in Luke 12:31, “Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and he will give you everything you need.” You cannot have two number ones in your life. So what’s going to be one and what’s going to be two? God says to put him first. Put him number one in your life, and he’ll take care of the rest.

Several years ago I spoke at the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland. Two thousand of the brightest people in the world were brought in to discuss the conditions of the world with this theme: “Committed to improving the state of the world.” There’s only one problem. When you remove God from the picture, all you’ve got left is politics. That has failed for the last 100 years. You’re not going to solve the state of the world until you first deal with the souls of people. You can’t legislate change. You can’t force people to change. You can’t make a law that makes people be nice to each other. They have to change their worldview.

People need God. And they need truth. They’ve built their houses on shifting sand, and when the crisis comes they’re going, “Where’s the hope?” They’re like a group of people who’ve been walking across the Sahara Desert for weeks without water. Their throat is parched and their lips are cracked, and they’re going, “Would somebody please give me a drink of living water? Will somebody please show me how my life can have meaning and significance and purpose? I’m successful, but I don’t feel significant.”

We have what they need. We have the Living Water of God’s truth that refreshes and restores and rejuvenates and revitalizes and changes our lives. We have the message. We have to know what we believe and why we believe it, share it, and then live it.

That, friends, will change the world.

Would you pray this prayer today? “Dear God, thank you that you have given us truth on which to build our lives. I want to learn the truth. I want to discern what is false. I want to turn from the world to the Word. I want to concern myself with your agenda and what you’re doing in the world. Help me to know what I believe and then help me to live what I believe. In Jesus’ name. Amen.”

Surrender to God's Loving Control

“Since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us.” (Romans 5:1 NLT)

If you want to have deep, personal, satisfying peace of mind in heart and soul, you’ve got to surrender control of your life totally to God. How do you know if you’ve done that?

Evidence of a surrendered life is always obedience. When God says, “Do it!” I do it. I don’t care if I don’t understand it, if anybody else is doing it, if it’s possible or not, if it’s hard or easy. I just do it.

When you listen to God’s Word and follow his direction, the result is always the same: peace.

Today, you may be in an uncontrollable circumstance. You may be married to an unchangeable person. You may be experiencing an unexplainable problem. The good news is you can have the peace of God in your life. But first, you have to make peace with God. You can’t have the peace of God until you first make peace with God. How do you do that? By surrendering your entire life in faith to Jesus Christ. “Since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us” (Romans 5:1 NLT).

Aren’t you tired of being at war with God? Don’t you realize that is the single greatest source of stress in your life? What is the result of being in control of your life? Worry, guilt, bitterness, resentment, anxiety, fear, fatigue, depression, and despair. What is the result of putting Jesus Christ first in your life and being fully surrendered to whatever he wants? Peace, power, strength, wisdom, purpose, meaning, eternal life, significance, and joy.

Would you pray this prayer in your heart? 

“Dear Father, you know how I have resented the problems in my life, and you know how I have resisted the things that have caused me pain that I can’t change. You know that I’ve asked you many times for an explanation that has never come.

Today, I want to stop fighting you over things I don’t understand. Forgive me. I want to begin the path of personal peace. So I ask you for help. Help me to change the things that I can, and help me to accept the things that cannot be changed. Help me, Jesus, to trust in your loving care when things don’t make sense. Help me to trust that you are a good God and that you have my best interest at heart.

Today, I make an unconditional surrender of all my life to your loving care and control. Please give me your strength and wisdom and peace and purpose. I want to make peace with God by faith so that I can have the peace of God through you, Jesus Christ. Amen.”

Trust in God's Loving Care

“Don’t worry about anything; instead pray about everything; tell God your needs and don’t forget to thank him for his answers. If you do this, you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand.” (Philippians 4:6-7 LB)

There is no such thing as a problem-free life. You just have to learn to have peace in the middle of your problems, or you’re never going to have peace — period. As soon as one pops up and you deal with it, another one is going to take its place.

So, why is your life just one problem after another?

There are three reasons:

First, Adam choked. He blew it. He and Eve gave into temptation and allowed sin to come into the world, and we’re all paying the consequences. We live in a fallen world.

Second, you have an enemy, and his name is Satan. He wants to mess with your mind, your family, your health, your finances — particularly if you are a follower of Christ and you’re trying to do the right thing.

On top of all that, you make your own mistakes. Most of the problems and pain in your life comes from your own poor decisions. When we make dumb decisions, we pay the penalties.

But sometimes the pain in your life is no one’s fault. Sometimes there’s a problem in your life so that the work of God may be displayed in your life. Regardless of why you have the problem that’s unsolvable, unchangeable, unexplainable, or uncontrollable, whether it came from the world, the devil, or yourself, you still need the same response every time — trust in the loving care of God.

Philippians 4:6-7 says, “Don’t worry about anything; instead pray about everything; tell God your needs and don’t forget to thank him for his answers. If you do this, you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand” (NLT). That’s the path to peace. Trust God’s loving care in the situation.

Talk It Over

• What evidence is there in your life of God using your struggles to point others to him?
• How do other people respond when they witness your peace in the midst of difficult circumstances?

Accept What Cannot Be Changed

“I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.” (Philippians 4:11-13 NLT)

Worrying about what cannot be changed won’t give you peace. Becoming resentful or bitter about what cannot be changed will not give you peace. Feeling guilty about things that cannot be changed will not give you peace.

There is only one thing that will bring peace in your life, and that is acceptance of what cannot be changed.

When Paul wrote the book of Philippians, he was in prison in Rome, awaiting execution. In Philippians 4:11-13, he wrote these words: “I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength” (NLT).

Paul probably wanted to change his circumstances, and he could have lashed out at God and questioned what was happening to him. Instead, he trusted God for the things that he could not change and chose to give God the glory.

I can tell you one thing that keeps us tense and nervous and stressed out about the things in our lives: our demand for an explanation. When something goes wrong in life, we say, “Why is this happening, God? Why did you allow this?”

Here are three things you need to understand: First, God doesn’t owe you an explanation for anything. God is a good, just, and fair God, and he understands things that you don’t. You need to just say “OK.”

Second, even if he did explain why things happen the way they do, you probably wouldn’t understand it. You cannot comprehend the ways of God.

Third, explanations never bring peace, anyway. Explanations never satisfy.

What comforts us is the presence of God in our life — not God’s explanations but his care and concern and comfort. Stop looking for something that you really don’t need, and stop trying to change things that are out of your control. Then, you will have peace.

Talk It Over

• What are the circumstances in your life that you have tried to change but instead need to give to God?
• Instead of “why,” what requests do you need to make of God to help bring you peace?

Peace Is Not Problem-free Living

“I am leaving you with a gift — peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.” (John 14:27 NLT)

Everybody thinks they have the key to peace of mind — or at least they want you to think so, so you’ll buy their product. I saw an ad for a perfume the other day called “Peace” perfume. The ad promised, “Wear it to feel serenity.” Now, folks, if it were that easy, it would be great — just put on a little perfume, and you’ll have peace of mind.

Peace of mind is such an important concept in life that people will do almost anything to find it. They will travel to exotic places at great expense. They will sniff a brain-destroying drug up their nose. They will experiment with New Age rituals. They will try all kinds of things.

But the truth is, very few people in this world are at peace with themselves. Most people carry a high degree of stress, anxiety, or tension in their lives. As a pastor, I have noticed that there are three things that tend to rob our peace:

1.  When circumstances are uncontrollable, we often lose our peace. Much of life is beyond your control. You sit in gridlock traffic for hours and miss an important event. A couple keeps trying desperately for a baby, and it just isn’t happening. When these things — big or small — happen, we get frustrated and lose our peace of mind.
    
2. When people are unchangeable, we tend to lose our peace. People naturally resist change. And they resent it when we try to change them. The quickest way to lose our peace of mind is to try to change somebody else, because most people are just not going to change.
    
3. When problems are unexplainable, it’s easy to lose our peace. We know that life is not fair. Not everybody has a happy ending. Things don’t always turn out right. What makes it more difficult is that we are not always going to know why. And when we don’t know why, we tend to get anxious, nervous, and stressed, and we lose our peace.

God has promised peace of mind, because it’s a fundamental need of your life. One of the Hebrew names of God is Jehovah Shalom. “Shalom” means peace. “Jehovah Shalom” means “I am the God of peace.” Jesus says in John 14:27, “I am leaving you with a gift — peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid” (NLT).

If God says, “I’m offering you a gift of peace,” he means it. It’s not something you work for. It’s not something you deserve. It’s not something you try for. You don’t beg for peace. You don’t plead for peace.

Peace has nothing to do with problem-free living. It is simply a gift that you must accept, and it’s available to you today.

Talk It Over

• What are the uncontrollable circumstances that have robbed your peace lately?
• Why do you think God allows us to have problems?
• What are the results of living in peace?

Joy Is a Choice

“I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” (Philippians 1:6 NLT)

In the book of Philippians, Paul uses the word “joy” 16 times in just four chapters. As a prisoner in a Roman jail, awaiting execution, it’s pretty amazing to think that he was able to write the most positive book of the Bible during one of the darkest times of his life.

You, too, can have that same kind of joy. In Philippians, Paul gives us six joy-builders to help us live joyful lives, no matter what our circumstances are. To make them easy to remember, I’ve made them into an acrostic — JOYFUL. Today, we’ll look at the last three joy-builders.

F: Focus on what’s good.

Life is filled with ups and downs, but you have a choice: Which are you going to focus on — the good or the bad? Paul says in Philippians 4:8, “Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise” (NLT). Where do you get a list of things like that? Talk radio? Not likely! Television? No. The newspaper or magazines? No.

But there is one place you can count on: God’s Word. The more you fill your mind with this book, the more positive and joyful you’re going to be. God’s Word is true, it is right, and it is admirable. It is worthy of value. Spend some time reading God’s Word every day.

U: Use your life to help others.

Paul was joyful because he was unselfish. He invested his life in others. If you want to have continuous joy in your life, here is the secret: Give your life away. Stop focusing on your puny problems and aches and pains, and start focusing on helping others. The more you give your life away, Jesus said, the more you find it. The more unselfish you become, the more joyful a person you’re going to be.

“I love you and long to see you, dear friends, for you are my joy and the crown I receive for my work” (Philippians 4:1b). Paul’s joy came from serving the people in whom he had invested his life — the people he had led to Christ and discipled.

L: Learn to be content.

This is the bottom line: Joy is a decision. You are as joyful as you choose to be.

We get caught up in “when and then” thinking (“When ‘this’ happens in my life, then I’ll be happy”). You are as joyful as you choose to be, because joy is a choice. Philippians 4:11 says, “I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances” (NIV). You can always be joyful — no matter what happens — because God is in control.

You may think that joy is some kind of characteristic for a naturally upbeat and cheerful person, and you’re “just not the joyful type.” You’re wrong.

You have a chance to determine your destiny. Change right now the priorities in your life. Change right now what you’re going to live the rest of your life for. If you will begin to yield yourself to God’s purpose, get to know God’s Son, and use your life to help other people, then you will have more joy than you could ever imagine.

Talk It Over

• What are the honorable, right, pure, lovely, and admirable truths that you discover in your Bible reading? How can you remind yourself to focus on these things today?
• What are the circumstances that are keeping you from being content and joyful?
• How will serving others help save you from focusing on your circumstances?

In All Things, Be Joyful

“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.” (Philippians 4:6 NLT)

You have a fundamental need for joy in your life. Life without joy is overwhelming, overburdened, and oppressive. Studies have actually shown that the more joy we have in our lives, the more productive we are. I read an article in "US News and World Report" that said that corporations hire "joy consultants" to build up the joy in peoples’ lives so that employees can be more productive. It is true that you have more energy, more creativity, and more productivity when you have joy in your life.

In the short book of Philippians — only four chapters long — Paul uses the word “joy” 16 times. The amazing thing is, Paul didn’t write this book when he was on vacation in the Caribbean. He was in prison in Rome, waiting to be executed. In the darkest days of his life, he wrote the most positive book in the Bible.

In Philippians, Paul gives us six joy-builders that will help diffuse our discouragement and lift our depression. To make them easy to remember, I’ve made them into an acrostic — JOYFUL. Today, we’ll look at the first three.

J: Jettison all regrets about your past.

“Jettison” means “to abandon as worthless, to discard, to eliminate, to get rid of.” Paul says if you want to enjoy life, there are some things you’ve got to get rid of because they are wearing you down and overburdening your life. The Bible says to forget your regrets, because that's what God does — he chooses to forgive your mistakes once they're confessed. The starting point of joy is letting go of the past. Philippians 3:13 says, “One thing I do is to forget what is behind me and do my best to reach what is ahead” (GN).

O: Omit all worries about your future.

If you’re going to enjoy the present, you must omit all worries about your future. Worry, hands-down, is the greatest killjoy of them all. You cannot be joyful and worried at the same time. Paul’s antidotes are these verses: “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done” (Philippians 4:6 NLT). You can either worry or you can pray.

Y: Yield yourself to God's purpose.

If you’re just drifting, if you don’t know where you came from or where you’re going or why you’re here, of course you’re not going to have any joy in your life. We all need a cause greater than ourselves for which we live. That is what brings us joy. Living for yourself does not bring joy.

Even when Paul had literally lost everything, there was one thing that could not be taken away from him — his purpose in life. Paul says in Philippians 1:21, “For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain” (NIV).

If you want to have a joy-filled life, you need to get in line with God’s purpose for your life. When you begin to live the purpose for which you are made, life makes sense, and joy is a lot more easily found.

Talk It Over

• What are the things — people, circumstances, situations, or feelings — that are wearing you down and keeping you from living a joyful life?
• What is the difference in happiness and joy?
• What are you worried about? What do you need to do to release your worry?

Tell God About It

“Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” (James 5:16a NIV)

We all respond to hidden wounds in different ways. Some people act out. Other people get angry all the time. Others self-medicate with drugs or alcohol. Still others try to escape the pain by moving from relationship to relationship.

Yet the worst possible response to hidden wounds in your life is to just clam up. It’s like taking a soda bottle and shaking it up. One day, you’ll just pop!

You’ll never get over your hidden wounds until you face your feelings straight on by talking to God about them.

Bottling up your hidden wounds will wear you out. The Bible says this in Psalm 32:3: “When I kept things to myself, I felt weak deep inside me. I moaned all day long” (NCV).  If you use up all of your emotional energy on the past, you’ll have little left for today. You then spend so much of your time on your regret and resentment — thinking about how you’ll get even with the person who has hurt you — that you’re out of energy for what matters in the here and now.

God has an answer for your pain. It starts with confession. You’ve got to admit your pain. Everything else is, in one way or another, a fruitless attempt to forget what ails you. You need to admit your pain to:

- - God

- - Yourself

- - One other person you trust.

Many people want to move past their pain by admitting it to God and themselves and skipping the third part of the equation. Good luck! It’ll never work. Admitting your pain to others is absolutely essential. You won’t get well on your own. James 5:16 says, “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed” (James 5:16a NIV).

You don’t need to confess to a pastor, a priest, or a therapist to obey James 5:16 (though you can). You need a friend.

Open up about your hidden pain to someone. Tell him or her what hurts. As you do that and confess to God and yourselves, you just might find that long-lost energy you’ve been dreaming about.

Because revealing is the beginning of healing.

Talk It Over

- - What secret from your past are you having trouble letting go?

- - Why is it so scary to be open with God about a painful memory? Why is it so difficult to be open with ourselves about a painful memory? Why is it so hard to be open with others about a painful memory?

- - Who can you open up with about pain in your past?

Ready, Set — Wait

“The Lord is good to everyone who trusts in him, so it is best for us to wait in patience — to wait for him to save us.” (Lamentations 3:25-26 GNT)

When life seems to be falling apart, your most “spiritual” decision may be a surprise: Get alone with God, and wait.

The Bible tells us this in Lamentations 3:28, “When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions:?Wait for hope to appear.?Don’t run from trouble. Take it full-face. The ‘worst’ is never the worst” (Lamentations 3:28 MSG).

Most of us don’t know how to “enter the silence.” We’re always anxious. We don’t like to wait on God because it stresses us out. We like to be in control.

What does it mean to wait on God? You sit down, close your mouth, and just listen to God. You may read your Bible. You may pray. But most all, you’re quiet in front of God.

Anxiety comes when we’re not “waiting for hope to appear,” as Jeremiah tells us. God wants to talk to us. He wants to give us the hope we crave. But we’re way too busy. All of our circuits are busy! When he calls, we’re on a different line.

If we want to listen to God and experience the hope he has for us, we have to get alone with him. We must “enter the silence” and be ready to hear him.

Jesus also said this in Matthew 6:6: “Find a quiet, secluded place so you won’t be tempted to role-play before God. Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense his grace” (MSG).

Get honest with God, and your focus will shift from just seeing your problems — no matter how overwhelming they seem — to the grace of God.

Lamentations 3:25-26 says, “The Lord is good to everyone who trusts in him, so it is best for us to wait in patience — to wait for him to save us” (GNT).

Before you go out and try to solve your problem on your own, let God save you. It’s like in those war movies when the enemy is marching toward the hero’s army — which is usually an inferior, ragtag group. The hero tells his men to wait until he gives the order to shoot. Then, at the last possible moment, he yells, “Shoot!” Firing at the right moment means success.

The same is true for us. No matter what obstacle you’re facing, you’ve got to wait for God’s timing. He’ll time your next move perfectly.

So wait and listen.

Talk It Over

- Can you think of a time in your life when acting too quickly led to a disastrous outcome?

- Why is it difficult to wait for God when you’re struggling through difficult times?

Begin the Healing: Tell It to the Lord

“He has made my skin and flesh grow old. He has broken my bones. He has besieged and surrounded me?with anguish and distress. He has buried me in a dark place, like those long dead .… And though I cry and shout, he has shut out my prayers.” (Lamentations 3:4-6, 8 NLT)

We all go through a time when our lives seem to be falling apart. We lose our job. A relationship falls apart. Someone dies. Our health takes a turn for the worse.

In those times, we’re tempted to think God has abandoned us.

But he hasn’t.

The ancient prophet Jeremiah was in the same boat when he wrote the book of Lamentations. His country, Judah, endured an economic tailspin and was terrorized by a foreign enemy. He witnessed incredible inhumanities committed against his people. People were out of work and starving to death.

Where did Jeremiah start? He told God how he felt. In Lamentations 3, Jeremiah says: “He [God] has made my skin and flesh grow old. He has broken my bones. He has besieged and surrounded me?with anguish and distress. He has buried me in a dark place, like those long dead .… And though I cry and shout, he has shut out my prayers” (NLT).

Does it surprise you that these words are in the Bible? Jeremiah, too, felt God had forgotten him. But Jeremiah didn’t ignore what he was feeling. He didn’t sugarcoat the situation. He told God what was on his heart. In fact, Jeremiah spent five chapters telling God what he thought about the situation. He told God, “This stinks!”

Why would God put that kind of passage in the Bible? He wants you to know that he can handle your anger, your gripes, and your grief. Jeremiah spends an entire book of the Bible blowing off steam. If God was big enough to handle Jeremiah’s pain, he’s big enough to handle yours, too.

Swallow your emotions, and you just hurt yourself. Your stomach will keep score!

Instead, unload them on God.

When my kids were little, they’d throw temper tantrums. Their temper tantrums didn’t make me love them any less. They didn’t make me doubt my decisions. They didn’t make me feel like less of a father.

They reminded me that my kids were immature. They didn’t know what I knew.

God doesn’t love you any less when you throw a temper tantrum. He doesn’t owe you an explanation, but he is never afraid of what you have to say.

So tell him. It’ll be the beginning of healing.

Talk It Over

- What is going on in your life that you’ve been afraid to talk to God about?

- Why is it difficult to be honest with God about our struggles?

- Try writing a letter to God about your struggles. How does it help to put these words on paper? What can you more easily say to God by writing rather than speaking?

Hope Returns When We Remember God's Unfailing Love

“Yet hope returns when I remember this one thing: The Lord's unfailing love and mercy still continue, fresh as the morning, as sure as the sunrise. The Lord is all I have, and so in him I put my hope.” (Lamentations 3:21-24 GNT)

Pain is a natural part of life. You can’t escape it. Broken relationships, missed opportunities, and rough seasons of life will always be with us. When they do come, you can either become bitter or hopeful.

The choice is yours.

Jeremiah faced the same choice. When his world came apart after Jerusalem was sacked in 586 B.C., the prophet wrote the book of Lamentations to share his honest frustrations with God. But he didn’t settle in his bitterness and stay there.

In Lamentations 3:21-24, after sharing his bitter feelings, he wrote, “Yet hope returns when I remember this one thing: The Lord's unfailing love and mercy still continue, fresh as the morning, as sure as the sunrise. The Lord is all I have, and so in him I put my hope” (GNT).

In the midst of a terrible situation, Jeremiah changed his perspective. It’s healthy and good for us to be honest with God about our feelings, but you have to eventually change your perspective. As long as our minds are on our pain, we won’t solve anything.

Instead, like Jeremiah, we need to recognize God’s great love for us. Jeremiah changed his perspective and recognized the enduring mercies of God. No matter what the problem, no matter how much anger you’ve spewed at God, he still loves you. It’s a constant you can depend upon — no matter what.

The longer you focus on what depresses you, the longer your depression will last. Bitterness keeps you caught in your own pain. In Lamentations 3, Jeremiah gives you a simple cure for bitterness: change how you think.

In the midst of a depressing tirade, Jeremiah says, “Yet hope returns …”

How can you have hope even in your darkest days? You remember, “The Lord’s unfailing love and mercy still continue.”

You can count on that! His mercies are as fresh as the morning and as sure as the sunrise. 

Talk About It

• What makes hope a choice when we’re going through troubles?

• What practices can you make a part of your life during difficult times that’ll keep hope at the forefront?

You Need a Battle Buddy

"Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so God can heal you. When a believing person prays, great things happen.” (James 5:16 NCV)

People don’t go to war by themselves. It would be a suicide mission. Someone has to have your back.

You need a battle buddy.

The same is true in the spiritual battles we all face. You can’t go to war against lustful thoughts, dishonesty, addictions, and fear by yourself. You’ll be doomed to fail.

If all you want is to be forgiven, admit your sin and brokenness to God. If you want to make a change, admit it to someone else.

Revealing your sin is the beginning of healing. You don’t have to admit your sin to everyone. But you need to admit it to someone. You need one person who’ll love you unconditionally, accept you completely, and pray for you constantly. You need someone of the same gender to be open and honest with.

The Bible says in James 5:16, “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so God can heal you. When a believing person prays, great things happen” (NCV).

When you confess your sins to someone else, you open the relief valve and take the pressure off. Suddenly, the boogieman isn’t so big.

Often sin is a cycle. You start out humbly asking God for help, so he gives you the power to make it. After about six months of success, you start getting prideful. Then, you fall. And, in humility again, you ask God for help. If you could stay in that spirit of humility, you’d be good. But pride always returns.

You can’t kick that kind of cycle without friends who’ll pray for you, care for you, encourage you, and keep you on track. When success comes, they’ll help you keep your perspective so your humility stays in check.

That’s why local churches are so important. But you can attend many churches for years and never put yourself in a situation where you know others and are known by others. Make the effort to find a small group of believers in a local church with whom you can be open and honest.

To think you can quit a bad habit without being honest about it with others is simply a cop out. It never works. You guarantee failure when you do that.

Talk It Over

- What sin in your life do you need to confess to another person?

- To whom in your life can you confess your sin?

- What frightens you about revealing your sin to someone else?

Instead of Trying Harder, Trust More

"Surrender yourself to the Lord, and wait patiently for him.” (Psalm 37:7a GW)

Surrendering your life means:

- Following God’s lead without knowing where he’s sending you.

- Waiting for God’s timing without knowing when it will come.

- Expecting a miracle without knowing how God will provide.

- Trusting God’s purpose without understanding the circumstances.

You know you’re surrendered to God when you rely on God to work things out instead of trying to manipulate others, force your agenda, and control the situation. You let go and let God work. You don’t have to always be "in charge." Instead of trying harder, you trust more.

You also know you’re surrendered when you don’t react to criticism and rush to defend yourself.

Surrendered hearts show up best in relationships. You are not self-serving, you don’t edge others out, and you don’t demand your rights.

The most difficult thing to surrender for many people is their money. Many have thought, "I want to live for God, but I also want to earn enough money to live comfortably and retire someday."

Retirement is not the goal of a surrendered life because it competes with God for the primary attention of our lives. Jesus said, "You cannot serve both God and money," and "Wherever your treasure is, your heart will be also."

The supreme example of self-surrender is Jesus. The night before his crucifixion, Jesus surrendered himself to God’s plan. He prayed, "Father, everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will, not mine.”

Jesus didn’t pray, "God, if you’re able to take away this pain, please do so." He began by affirming that God can do anything! He prayed, "God, if it is in your best interest to remove this suffering, please do so. But if it fulfills your purpose, that’s what I want, too."

Genuine surrender says, “Father, if this problem, pain, sickness, or circumstance is needed to fulfill your purpose and glory in my life or in another’s life, please don’t take it away!"

This level of maturity doesn’t come easily. In Jesus’ case, he agonized so much over God’s plan that he sweated drops of blood. Surrender is hard work. In our case, it requires intense warfare against our self-centered nature.

Talk About It

- Where is your treasure?

- Does your attitude toward money reflect a heart that is surrendered to Christ?

The Heart of Worship Is Surrender

“Give yourselves to God ... surrender your whole being to him to be used for righteous purposes.” (Romans 6:13b TEV)

The heart of worship is surrender.

“Surrender” is an unpopular word, disliked almost as much as the word “submission.” It implies losing, and no one wants to be a loser.

Surrender evokes the unpleasant images of admitting defeat in battle, forfeiting a game, or yielding to a stronger opponent. The word is almost always used in a negative context. Captured criminals surrender to the authorities.

In our competitive world, we’re taught to never quit trying, never give up, and never give in, so we don’t hear much about surrendering. If winning is everything, surrendering is unthinkable.

Yet, the Bible teaches us that rather than trying to win, succeed, overcome, and conquer, we should instead yield, submit, obey, and surrender.

And by surrendering to God, we enter into the heart of worship. This is true worship: bringing pleasure to God as we give ourselves completely to him.

Surrendering is best demonstrated in obedience as you cooperate with your Creator. You say, "Yes, Lord" to whatever he asks of you.

In fact, "No, Lord" is a contradiction. You can’t claim Jesus as your Lord when you refuse to obey him. Peter modeled surrender when, after a night of failed fishing, Jesus told him to try again: "Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets." Surrendered people obey God’s Word, even when it doesn’t make sense.

God is not a cruel slave driver or a bully who uses brute force to coerce us into submission. He doesn’t try to break our will but woos us to himself so that we might offer it freely to him. God is a Lover and a Liberator, and surrendering brings freedom, not bondage.

When we completely surrender ourselves to Jesus, we discover that he is not a tyrant but a savior; not a boss, but a brother; not a dictator, but a friend.

Talk About It

- What do you need to surrender to God today?

- Surrendering ourselves leaves us vulnerable. Why is it so hard to be vulnerable in front of our Creator?