When God is Silent or Delays

Written by Anita Carman at Today's Christian Woman

God's delays have often perplexed me. It seems to me that since his goal is to reach the world for him, when I ask him, "What do you want me to do with my life?," he should answer quickly and immediately so I can get on with whatever it is he wants me to do. Instead, there is often silence. But why would God be silent if he desires me to do his will?

I kept thinking the problem was God, but one day God opened my eyes to see that the problem was me.

I realized that God often was waiting to answer because I was not ready. I "surrendered all" without understanding the cost. I said I would go wherever he led, but my willingness to go was really based on my own ideas about where I was going. My intention wasn't for God to tell me what he wanted me to do, but for him to bless my plans. It hadn't occurred to me that God had plans of his own and that I existed for his purpose. To my total shock, I realized that God was silent because he was showing grace. He was silent because I was still in preparation for the call. He knew I wasn't ready.

We know that God is the perfect steward of his resources—and those resources include us. He doesn't waste our gifts and talents, but he might wait to use them until we are perfectly prepared for the task he has for us. So if God hasn't spoken, it must be because it's not time. He is still in preparation, and we are part of that preparation.

Understanding God's call on your life

God orchestrates the events of our lives to lead us to his calling for us. But still so many of us miss the boat or shrink back from what he wants us to do. He leads us to what he wants, and then he waits for us to understand and accept it. Through my own experiences, God has shown me that there are three stages to understanding and accepting our calling:.

Stage One: Declare That You Will Follow

This stage may sound obvious. After all, if we don't plan to follow God's call, why would we want to understand it? However, it is not as easy as it might seem. When initially confronted with God's plan, we may feel overwhelmed and immediately shrink back from it. We might not want to respond for various reasons.

Luke 9:57-62 tells of several situations where those who professed their desire to follow Jesus immediately came up with all kinds of reasons to justify delaying their obedience (which, in fact, is disobedience).

As they were walking along the road, a man said to him, "I will follow you wherever you go." Jesus replied, "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head." He said to another man, "Follow me." But the man replied, "Lord, first let me go and bury my father." Jesus said to him, "Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God." Still another said, "I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say good-bye to my family." Jesus replied, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God."

God wants us to respond to him with obedience, regardless of the cost. So the first step in understanding and accepting his call is just that—declaring you will accept it.

Stage Two: Fully Appreciate the Cost and Be Willing to Pay It

It might seem as if you should fully appreciate the cost of God's calling before accepting it. But the experience has shown me that no matter how long I take to assess the cost of obedience, I don't fully appreciate it until I make my unwavering declaration to follow.

So what will compel us to not only declare our commitment to Christ, but also to actually pay the cost of following him? God has shown me that often my delay in following Jesus boils down to the question Jesus asked Peter three times in John 21: "Do you love me?"

Could it really be that simple? Is accepting the cost really just about settling in our hearts if we love him? God showed me the answer to this through my own personal life. If my husband or sons were ill, would I not spare any expense to help them recover? Would I reprioritize my schedule to get them to the hospital? Would I not cut expenses wherever I could to be able to pay for their care? Would I spend one second analyzing whether I would pay for the cost? In my answers to those questions, I answer the question of whether or not I love them. I would do what I needed to do, no matter the cost, because I love them.

Few people question how much of themselves, their time, and their resources they will give their children or grandchildren. Few parents would hesitate to give a kidney to their dying child. Yet when it comes to giving God what he longs for, we often find ourselves setting a ceiling on our affections, which effectually tell him that we don't really love him—our Father and King. We must be willing to pay the cost in order to follow God's call.

Stage Three: Acknowledge God's Power

After we declare our commitment to God and decide that we are willing to pay the cost no matter what, we need to realize that the only way we can give God what he desires is through leaning on him and trusting in his power. If we try to do it on our own, we will surely fail. It is through his strength that we can actually pay the cost of our calling.

I knew a woman who wrestled with God when he first called her to serve in the ministry. She accepted the call. She understood clearly how much her calling would cost her, and she took a leap of faith in accepting it. She felt comfortable until she got to stage three: Part of the cost was leaving corporate America to serve God full-time in ministry.

She asked God to part the Red Sea by providing for her financially before she cut the umbilical cord from her corporate job. As I watched her wrestle with her decision, I knew from observing God's patterns that he was not going to provide for her until she stopped trying to solve challenges in her own power. Using her own human logic, she determined she did not know anyone who could support her, and tried to make ends meet through her own savings. She ran short. Meanwhile, God had connections for her throughout the city, but she never once asked God to lead her to these connections. As a result, she stayed in corporate America, and missed God's divine appointment.

In her human capability, she was not able to trust God with new ways to provide for her future finances. It is when we humble ourselves before God and acknowledge his power over all things that he will then carry us to a level beyond our wildest imagination. Let's look at an example of this in the life of a member of our royal family tree. When Jesus asked Peter if he loved him, he asked the question three times. The first time, Jesus said, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?" (John 21:15). The word Jesus used for "love" in this question was the Greek word agapao, which is a decision to love—the same kind of love that led Jesus to finish his work on the cross. There are times when we do not feel like loving, but we do so as an act of our choice and will. That is agapao love. Peter's answer to this questions was, "Yes Lord … you know that I love you" (John 21:15). But the Greek word for love that Peter used was phileo, which is a friendship type of love, clearly not one as intense as what Jesus was asking for.

In John 21:16, Jesus asked Peter a second time, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me?" Again, he used the word agapao. And Peter again answered with phileo. Then an incredible thing happened. Jesus asked Peter the question a third time, but this time he used the word phileo instead of agapao. He confirmed Peter's admission that he could not, in his own power, do what was asked of him. So God went to where Peter was. It is the same with us. When we humble ourselves before him and acknowledge our human weaknesses, he meets us where we are, and then he grows us into what he is asking of us.

I wish I could tell you that God speaks clearly and consistently, but there are many days when I can't hear him. Yet that doesn't mean I should just give up. I believe that often that doesn't mean I should just give it up. I believe that often God uses those times of silence to see if I will trust him more. When I know that I am on the path God has called me to, yet he is silent, I simply proceed through any open door I can find. I don't stop because he isn't speaking. Even when no doors seem to be open, I can't give up on his dream.

As I look back over the years at Inspire Women, I remember many times I just wanted to crawl into bed and never wake up because of God's silence during the storms. Yet all the while, I felt a strong conviction that I was doing exactly what God wanted. I knew that God was watching over me and that he wanted to know if he could trust me to keep going even when he was silent.

I have learned that the more we walk with God, the more faith he expects for us. As God conforms us to Jesus' image, he will walk us into times when he is intentionally silent, and he will watch to see if we stay on course and keep doing the last thing we heard him tell us to do.

Adapted from Transforming for a Purpose: Fulfulling God's Mission as Daughters of the King. Copyright © 2009 by Anita Carman. Used by permission of Moody Publishers.

Shut Up and Listen

Written by Meryl Herr at Today's Christian Woman

"What miserable comforters you are!"

She never actually uttered those words, but her eyes shouted them from behind her tears. She had just laid her soul bare telling us about her recent miscarriage. The silence afterward lasted only a moment before those around her erupted in a chorus of "Trust God—everything will work out," and immediate quotations of Jeremiah 29:11.

I really wanted to cheer up my brokenhearted friend, but how could I avoid adding to the chorus of trite clichés? I had no idea what to do or say.

Ever been there? When we see someone downcast, we want encourage them with meaningful, restorative words. True encouragement, though, is a tall order. It requires more than a pithy quip and pat on the back. So what are we to do?

Close your mouth and open your ears

When we encourage someone, our words need to fit their situation. Therefore, we need to begin by really hearing what the situation is. One day an acquaintance asked me about my new job and I told her about the difficult day I had … or, to be more accurate, I tried to tell her. After every few words, she butted in with some advice or a not-so-winsome "You just need to …" suggestion. She didn't hear me. All I wanted to do was yell, "Shut up and listen!" As a result of her "encouragement," I felt frustrated and unloved.

When a hurting friend opens up about a struggle or crisis, we have to stop talking in order to hear them well. In addition to closing our mouths, we also need to turn off the imaginary conversation playing in our heads as we listen. If we're preoccupied with planning what to say to them next, we can miss hearing their story. We ought to take this good advice fromThe message paraphrase of James 1:19: "Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue."

When we're encouraging someone who's hurting, sometimes we won't ever make it past this step of listening. That's okay! Our silence isn't failure. Sometimes the ministry of our presence is exactly what the other person needs most.

Don't take cues from Job's friends

While the "shut up and listen" tactic can be an effective way to minister to someone who is hurting, we also need to pay attention to what we eventually do say. In Scripture, Job's friends serve as a great example of how not to respond.

Satan afflicted Job with loss of property, family, and personal health in an attempt to prove that Job wasn't as righteous as God said he was. In response to his misery, Job's friends stopped by to encourage their downtrodden friend. In Job 2:13, we read that Job's friends didn't say anything to him at first because they saw how miserable he was. They definitely got the "shut up and listen" part right. They heard Job describe his deep misery: "I have no peace, no quietness. I have no rest; only trouble comes" (Job 3:26). What could they say?

When Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar eventually offered their words of wisdom, they did anything but encourage Job. They were convinced that Job was suffering because of some unrighteousness in his life and they repeatedly told him so.

Job's response to their nonsense? "What miserable comforters you are!" (Job 16:2). Job knew his friends were dwelling too much on the "why" of his calamity instead of giving him courage to face it. Not only that, but Job's friends kept surmising that they knew why Job suffered: God must be punishing him. Job's friends combined bad theology with bad encouragement techniques and simply exasperated their hurting friend.

When we encourage someone, it isn't for us to dwell upon why they are in the midst of their trial or struggle. We simply don't know. God's thoughts and purposes regarding our lives are often far beyond our understanding (Isaiah 55:8-9). Instead of focusing on events that may or may not have contributed to a loved one's painful circumstances, our encouragement should begin with what we know to be true about God.

Three tips to focus on God's sovereign care

1. Remind your friend of God's character, particularly of God's sovereign care, goodness, and love. When your best friend is in a tough spot in her marriage, a text message saying "Philippians 4:13" or "God loves you!" is probably not going to make her feel better. Your friend is smart enough to know those truths. Instead what she needs to hear is God's truth applied well and lovingly to her circumstances. Sincerely reminding your friend that our sovereign God is in fact working even in troubled marriages "for the good of those who love God" (Romans 8:28) can have a remarkable impact.
2. Point to God as one who is attentive to his people's pain. The psalmist declares, "LORD, you know the hopes of the helpless. Surely you will hear their cries and comfort them" (Psalm 10:17). Our God is strong enough to shoulder all of our anxieties and willing to do so because he cares for us (1 Peter 5:7). Scripture is full of examples of God caring for those he loves, even in the midst of difficulty and suffering. We can remind friends of the biblical accounts of the Israelites in Egypt, Ruth the Moabite, King David on the run, Elijah and the ravens, or the apostle Paul in prison.
3. Pour yourself out as a drink offering. Over coffee one night, a friend from seminary encouraged my husband and me with the story of Elisha and the widow in 2 Kings 4:1-7. The widow needed money to pay her dead husband's debts and God provided miraculously more than she owed through a bountiful outpouring of oil. Like us, our friend needed a continual outpouring of God's grace to remain serving in his current ministry while waiting on God to provide new work. This story had been a good reminder to him of God's faithfulness to sustain, so he shared the story with us. Now I return to this story often because of its portrayal of God's bountiful goodness.

Reframe the hardship

Finally, we can encourage hurting friends by helping them see their current trial from a different perspective. The writer of Hebrews says, "Endure hardship as discipline" (Hebrews 12:7). Notice that the verse does not say, "Hardship is discipline." Rather the verse tells us to reframe our struggles by thinking about how God might be training us during them.

James also tells us, "Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy" (James 1:2). James continues by explaining why we should reframe hardship in this way: because God uses hardship to foster faith and perseverance (James 1:3-4). It can be really hard to view a hardship as a reason for joy, but we can find encouragement in remembering that God is working in us in the midst of trouble and pain. The hope of becoming more Christ-like can strengthen our hearts during difficulties.

When helping others reframe their hardship, we must be careful not to project onto a hurting friend what we may have learned or how we have been formed in a particular part of our spiritual journey. For example, God might use unemployment to teach me humility while he might use it to teach my husband the value of work or to teach my friend dependence on God. God writes a different story for each of our lives. I can share my story, but I must not assume it's the only paradigm for how God will work in similar circumstances.

Becoming messengers of salvation

Encouraging one another well takes practice and we must be ready to fail from time to time. Yet, in dependence on the Holy Spirit who equips us for service to others, we can become what Dietrich Bonhoeffer labels "messengers of salvation" to one another. We can speak words that are true and informed by Scripture. We can speak words that actually give life and impart hope to our friends who are feeling down.

We must remember that our God who tells us to encourage one another (1 Thessalonians 5:11) will also give us resources to do it well. By the power of his Spirit, God can multiply the effect that our thoughtful, sincere words can have. "All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us" (1 Corinthians 1:3-4).

Meryl Herr is passionate about adult discipleship in the local church. She is a freelance writer living in Illinois.

Small Is the Call

Written by Margot Starbuck at Today's Christian Woman

Sandra and her husband don't frequent local thrift stores for clothing bargains or gently-used shoes. Occasionally on date nights, though, they'll pop into one in search of … single mothers. Thankfully, they're not human traffickers. Rather, they're Christians who are itching to partner with a God who is actively engaged in the world today. Sharing God's heart for these women and their children, Sandra and her husband pay for the women's purchases and then take them to a supermarket to buy them the groceries they need. Though these Friday night adventures are counterintuitive to the kinds of messages we're fed in our culture about living to please ourselves, as they've offered themselves in kingdom service, Sandra and her husband have tasted a kind of life that really is life.

Of course God's invitation to adventure necessarily looks different in each circumstance.
• One woman offered her family's extra winter coats to a shivering family at a local school bus stop—even though she felt really awkward doing it.
• Another woman, a registered nurse, slipped into the home of a single friend recovering from knee surgery to vacuum, sweep, and dust—even though the job was way below her skill set.
• One woman stopped beside a local highway to share juice and crackers with a young family traveling cross country whose car had broken down—even though she'd miss the church committee meeting she'd left home for in the first place.

Strangely, surprise, smallness, sacrifice, and spontaneity are the unexpected marks of the adventure of kingdom-following. In this upside-down economy Jesus ushered in, those who pattern their lives after him—embracing awkward, inconvenient, humbling, and unlikely service—are those, like Sandra, who discover the kind of adventure for which they were made.

The Danger of "Big" Service
What too often keeps us from the ones God loves is our temptation to make serving others into a really big thing. With the best of intentions, we can inflate "service" into an unwieldy beast when we decide that it is what happens on the annual church mission trip to Mexico, or when we accompany the youth group to build Habitat homes in New Orleans, or respond to God's call to mission work in Africa. It's actually a convenient story for many of us because—if we live in an American cul de sac, or if we work in an office park cubicle, or if we can't travel overseas because we're pregnant—then … we're off the hook. Though I'm as lazy as the next gal, I'm also convinced that Jesus invites his followers into something so much better than being off the hook. Specifically, he hooks us into adventure by opening our eyes to opportunities to serve in our neighborhoods, workplaces, campuses, and communities. Through the gentle nudge of the Holy Spirit, our eyes are opened to the teen at church who doesn't have any help at home as he applies to colleges. When our postal carrier delivers the wrong mail, we're reminded of the neighbor who's been living in a nursing home for the last six months. Or we hear from coworkers about a colleague who'll be out of work caring for a sick husband. The Spirit opens our eyes to the folks Jesus is longing to meet, love, and serve—through us. Jesus invites us to embrace a life of adventurous kingdom service that is marked by surprise, smallness, sacrifice, and spontaneity.

Who Are We to Serve?
I confess that when I think of service, too often my mind beelines to my worst nightmare: Martha-Stewart-style hospitality. Ick! Yuck! Blech! When Jesus invites us to serve, though, he's not necessarily thinking of hosting folks like our pastors or wealthy neighbor or the head of the church missions committee who—if we're really lucky and play our cards right—can return the favor. In fact, the ones he describes and moves toward are most often lacking in any sort of social capital whatsoever. In a story Jesus tells about who we're to be serving, he describes folks who are hungry, thirsty, sick, naked, imprisoned and often unknown to us—aka "strangers" (Matthew 25:35-45). Jesus says that when we serve those who are living on the world's margins, we're actually serving him: "The King will say, 'I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!'" (Matthew 25:40). As we begin to recognize the face of Jesus in those we serve, the "stranger" is transformed into "friend" as he opens our eyes to see those folks we'd likely otherwise miss. Nudged by the Spirit, we may notice, for the first time, the thirsty gardener who tends to the lawn on the campus of our workplace. Or when we go Christmas caroling at a local nursing home we might see, as if for the first time, those who are captive to debilitating circumstance. Or the Spirit opens our eyes to the young woman with an intellectual disability who bags our groceries every week, now waiting in the rain for a bus. The surprise of kingdom service is that God opens our eyes so that we notice folks in the daily rhythm of our lives that we've just never seen before. What Does Kingdom Service Look Like? Although Jesus' act of self-giving love on the cross—admittedly a big thing—is the pattern into which each of us is called, the way the pattern is fleshed out in our everyday lives is meant to be small. Again and again in the Gospels Jesus invites his followers to embrace small acts of love. Really wanting his friends to understand this, he made it plain. One night at the end of his life, when Jesus' friends saw him take off his robe and wrap a towel around his waist, they were floored. After all, the nasty job of washing guests' stinky, dusty feet was a servant's job. It was low. And he was the Master, after all! Having washed their feet, putting his teacher clothes back on, Jesus explained, "Since I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you ought to wash each other's feet" (John 13:14). Knowing they—and we!—would be tempted toward big, showy, impressive acts of bravado, Jesus let them know that authentic service isn't showy or flashy at all. In fact, it's more often small and humble, such as feet washing. And meal serving. And thirst quenching. And clothes providing. And lonely visiting. The truth that kingdom service is marked by smallness rather than grandeur is great news for those of us with full, busy lives. It's what puts us back on the hook to care for neighbors and coworkers, friends and strangers.

The Way to Serve
McDonald's' ads insist that we deserve a break today. Sprite suggests we should obey our thirst. Clothing manufacturers convince us that, even if we're suitably well-clothed, we ought to keep up with fashions that change every three or four months. All around us, retailers condition us to believe that we are made (and deserve) to be pleased. But the topsy-turvy message of Jesus, which is entirely countercultural, describes a different kind of reality. "The greatest among you," he says, "must be a servant. But those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted" (Matthew 23:11-12). He also says, "If you cling to your life, you will lose it, and if you let your life go, you will save it" (Luke 17:33). Clearly, no one's buying banner ads on Facebook promoting Christian self-sacrifice! And yet, the unlikely way of Jesus is one in which death to self gives way to real life. The young woman who spends the night with her church's ministry to folks transitioning out of homelessness discovers she's blessed and vivified by sacrificing a good night of shut eye. The one who rushes out of work at three o'clock to tutor children who live in her neighborhood is enlivened by service. The woman who spends Sunday afternoons with a neighbor living with dementia, to give the woman's family some free time together, finds life in her sacrificial gift. The secret of death giving way to life is one that Jesus knew and into which he invites his followers. Dallas Willard and Richard Foster call disciplines like these the "secret of the easy yoke."

When to Serve
Janice was rushing from her car into the bank before it closed for the evening. Lingering outside was a woman she'd seen before at a nearby intersection, where she held a crude cardboard sign asking for money. The woman's hair was matted, her skin browned by the sun, and she had a faint odor about her. When Janice came out of the bank, cash in pocket, the woman asked her if she could spare some change. Uncomfortable but compelled by God's great love for the woman, Janice prayerfully considered stepping into new territory. The fact that her typically full schedule was strangely clear that evening only seemed to seal the deal. "I don't give out money, but if you'd like to join me for dinner, we could grab a bite next door at McDonald's." After thinking it over for a moment, the woman agreed. Service isn't always something extra we schedule into our day planners, carving out three hours on a Saturday morning to swing a hammer or that "service week" in Haiti. In fact, the witness of the Gospels is one of Jesus and others encountering and responding to those in need in the natural course of their days. Sometimes, that meant sharing a meal. One time it was a donkey ride to an inn (Luke 10:25-37). Other times, hearts and bodies were healed. As you determine to join the kingdom adventure of service, allow the Spirit to move you in new unexpected ways.

The Secret of the Easy Yoke
If you've imagined "Christian service" as an obligatory duty that must simply be endured, you've been missing out on the joyful adventure into which you've been called. Jesus has something so much better for you! You were made to move with Jesus toward the sometimes unlikely ones he loves. And though it often does seem inconvenient or awkward or unlikely, as you step toward the ones Jesus loves, aware of his presence with you, you participate in establishing the new kingdom he ushered in. Author Shane Claiborne confirms, "God is preparing each of us for something really, really small … and it's small things done with great love that move the world."

Margot Starbuck is the author of Small Things with Great Love: Adventures in Loving Your Neighbor. www.margotstarbuck.com

Surrender to God's Good Life

Written by Nicole Unice at Today's Christian Woman

Submission is difficult. This month's articles may feel unsettling, but that's good! Choosing submission helps us experience peace—something we could all use more of. So let's slow down and take a deeper look at how to surrender to God.

Part One: A Heart Check

Have you ever thought:

• I need to keep my options open because God may ask something I don't want to give or require something that will make me miserable.
• God hasn't done right by me to put me in this situation.
• I'm suspicious of God's plan even though Scripture claims he is good for me.

If you answered yes to any (or all) of these statements, welcome to humanity. Since the Garden of Eden, we've struggled to submit to God's goodness, especially when we cannot understand it. Over the next several days, allow these thoughts to get under your skin. For every yes, ask yourself the "why" behind it. For instance, you may journal: Why do I feel this way? Why did I think it would be different? What did I expect? What did I receive?

Because God invites us into a relationship, journaling and praying about these feelings is a way to clear the air between you and him. This is the first step in giving yourself completely over to God.

Scripture Reading:

As you journal from the above prompts, think about corresponding biblical stories, such as Sarah (Genesis 15-16, 20-21), Job, Jonah, and the rich young man (Matthew 19:16-30).

• What did God ask from each of these people?
• How did they respond?
• What was the fruit of that response?

Part Two: The Fruit of Surrender

We know that submission is challenging, but let's look at the other side: the fruit of surrender.

Answer yes or no to the following statements:

• I regularly admit to God my real feelings about hard things he's put into my life.
• I've experienced good fruit from "dying to myself."
• I often relinquish my desire to be right and confess sin to God and to others.
• I've experienced how my suffering can draw me closer to Christ.
• I've given up my need to know why with God.
• I've submitted to others' wisdom, allowing them to ask hard questions and push back on my thoughts and feelings about a situation.

Scripture Reading:

We need reminders of God's goodness and our weakness if we're to cultivate a spirit of surrender. Some verses for meditation:

Job 38-39
Galatians 2:20
1 Peter 5:6
Psalm 131

You may want to journal about these questions:

• Do I allow God to be big enough to hold all things—even things that seem evil and wrong—together?
• What does it mean for me to be "crucified with Christ?"

Singleness and Scripture: What the Bible really says about those who aren't married

Written by Lisa Harper at Today's Christian Woman

I had the privilege of speaking at a church last Mother's Day. I felt privileged, because any time I'm able to talk about Jesus is a treat. But I also felt uncomfortable, because I'm over 40, single, and childless. Mother's Day is a celebration earmarked for minivan–driving women with a gaggle of children—not women like me. The day's meant for women who woke up to a lovely breakfast prepared by a doting husband—not women who woke up alone at the Fairfield Inn. The holiday's for women whose adorable children made clay handprints engraved with "I love you, Mom," in Sunday school—not women whose only Creative Memories' subjects are pets. To say I felt a little out of place is an understatement. 

Although being single in America no longer is atypical (the latest U.S. census reveals more single/ divorced/widowed women than married ones), in the Christian subculture, singleness often seems an anomaly. I can't count how many times church people have awkwardly asked me, "Do you have any children?" or "Where's your husband?" My favorite answer is, "My future husband's lost and won't stop to ask for directions." The quip usually prompts giggles and diverts attention from my lackluster dating life.

Sometimes I wonder if myths about Christians and singleness contribute to making women without a diamond ring on their left hand feel like misfits. Let's look at some of the faulty theology surrounding singleness, and get the Bible's actual take on the subject.

Myth #1: Since the Bible says God is our husband (Isaiah 54:5; Jeremiah 3:14), an earthly spouse isn't really necessary.

Well, let's not cancel the eHarmony membership quite yet. The Hebrew word for husbandrefers more to God as someone who rules over his people than to someone who does the heavy lifting and leaves wet towels on the bathroom floor.

While Scripture often uses marriage as a metaphor to describe our relationship with God, this spiritual reality doesn't negate most women's desire for a flesh–and–blood husband. It also behooves us to remember God designed marriage at the beginning of human history, when he created Eve for Adam. Marriage isn't  a consolation prize meant for people who don't "have the goods" to go it alone.

Myth #2: Since, according to the apostle Paul, singleness is a desirable gift (1 Corinthians 7), spiritually mature single Christian women should fully—and joyfully—embrace it.

I consider singleness a "gift" when I can sleep in while my mom friends drive carpool in their pajamas; when I have the liberty to choose taking a meandering hike over doing laundry; and especially when I can stay preoccupied with a really cool Scripture passage instead of get pulled away by the responsibility of fixing dinner for a family. This final benefit is the reason most Bible scholars say Paul enthused about singleness. Simply put, freedom from the earthly needs of a spouse and children typically affords us more uninterrupted time to focus on our Redeemer.

Paul also penned this passage during a season of "great distress" (1 Corinthians 7:26), or scary spiritual persecution. So he emphasized being married under such circumstances would only increase the burden, since enduring pain alone is often easier than watching loved ones suffer, too.

Some Christians do sincerely believe they possess the "gift" of singleness (both missionary Amy Carmichael and Mother Teresa felt called to singleness and celibacy). But in light of the context of 1 Corinthians, I think Paul's goal was to advocate practicality rather than to grant singleness special status. Perhaps we should stop viewing singleness as the gift, and recognize the true prize—undistracted devotion to God.

Myth #3: Since God promises us the desires of our heart (Psalm 37:4), he'll give a husband to a woman who truly desires one.

This perverted premise always gets to me. "Cutting and pasting" a biblical verse or passage to prove a point is foolish (the fancy terminology for this practice is proof–texting). One of my favorite theologians, D.A. Carson, wisely stated, "Any text without a context is merely a pretext for a proof–text." In other words, if we don't look at the whole biblical picture, we can easily distort the meaning and application of God's Word. And, unfortunately, too often we twist "He will give you the desires of your heart" (Psalm 37:4) into a depiction of God as fairy godmother. 

However, when King David wrote those words, he wasn't implying God would wave a magic wand and make all our dreams come true. We won't get a husband or a high metabolism just by wishing! Instead, this shepherd–boy–turned–king was exulting in the heavenly Father's provision and protection extended to faithful believers. Thus David prefaced the "gimmie" phrase with an admonition to trust and delight in the Lord (Psalm 37:3-4a). This verse doesn't mean we'll always get what we want, but it does mean we can trust God to give us what ultimately will be for our good and his glory.

Myth #4: Since the Bible says we're to be content in all circumstances (Hebrews 13:5; 1 Timothy 6:6-8), God won't provide singles with a mate until they're totally satisfied with singleness.

Christ–followers obviously should seek to be at peace with whatever their circumstances, but total contentment probably isn't attainable this side of heaven. I thoroughly enjoy my life most days and love Jesus with all the devotion my crooked little heart can muster, but I'm still not completely satisfied while eating a Lean Cuisine and watching a DVD by myself on Valentine's Day. Sometimes I want to share this stuff with a man—preferably a godly guy with a booming laugh, a generous heart, and an aversion to hair gel! I'm not necessarily restless in my relationship with the Lord; I'm simply human.

In my experience, no matter on which side of the marital fence we're standing, the grass typically looks greener in the other field. Single women tend to think a good man could solve most of their problems, and married women tend to think the he–doesn't–look–so–hot–now guy they married causes most of their problems. In both cases, we give men—present or absent—too much responsibility in our lives. No man's heart is big enough to meet all our emotional needs. A man's shoulders aren't broad enough to bear all our burdens. Contrary to the story line of ripped–bodice romance novels, no human male (or pirate) will ever meet all our expectations all the time.

Single, married, widowed, and divorced women aren't all that different. No matter what our marital status is, if we've put our hope in Jesus Christ, we're God's beloved. We're the apple of his eye. He delights to call all of us his: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name, you are mine" (Isaiah 43:1b; italics added).

So if we ever meet at church, for goodness' sake, don't tell me that I'll find a husband when I'm finally content, or that I should joyfully accept the gift of singleness. Instead, ask to hear my story, then sit back and enjoy the ride! Because even if our marital status differs, we still have a lot in common.

Lisa Harper, TCW's Great Question columnist, is an author and sought–after speaker. Her latest book isWhat the Bible Is All About for Women (Regal).