Banishing Spiritual Loneliness

Written by Keri Wyatt Kent at Gifted for Leadership

I want more of God. Although I write and speak on spiritual formation, work with other Christians, have friends who encourage my faith, am married to a Christian man with whom I’ve raised Christian children, I still sometimes feel lonely. Not just emotionally lonely, but spiritually lonely—disconnected from God and my faith.

Leaders walk a lonely road. The leader of any enterprise, from a corporation to a small group, must ultimately make decisions that may be unpopular. Even if they consider others’ opinions and feelings, leaders, by definition, must take responsibility and make decisions. That can feel lonely.

A position of spiritual leadership can add another layer of isolation. When you are caring for and mentoring others, guiding them spiritually, questions often nag at the back of your mind: Who’s mentoring me? Where do I take my questions and doubts? If I’m supposed to be a role model/leader/encourager, who does that for me? And there’s nothing like doubt to make you feel alone. 

Banishing spiritual loneliness begins with being honest about the fact that you feel lonely to begin with. Acknowledge your feelings, then move forward by engaging in spiritual practices that will help you and those you lead.

Here are three strategies to combat spiritual loneliness as a leader.

Slow Down

Do you ever feel as if you’re moving so fast through life that you don’t really see the people around you? Or you do see them, but you feel annoyed at them far too often? Do you feel that you don’t have time to really connect? Ironically, busyness (even with an overabundance of connections) can be isolating.

Slow down. For a day, or even a morning, try this: Do one thing at a time. Use “time chunking”: allocate a chunk of time to one task, then move on to the next “chunk.” Multi-tasking actually decreases efficiency.

Take time to look into the eyes of people you’re meeting with, noticing their non-verbal communication. Listen without composing your next thought. Pause between tasks. Delegate some tasks, maybe. Or just let some things (which you might possibly be micromanaging unnecessarily) just go undone. (Could that be the reason you’re so busy? Hmm.)

Our hurry can even taint our time with God—prayer becomes another item on a to-do list. We get more out of checking it off the list than we do actually being with God. Take time to slow down with God, even if you don’t have a lot of time. Meditate on God’s promises of love and acceptance. For example, start with 1 John 3. Focus on your identity in him; you are a deeply loved child of God.

Spend Time in Solitude

It may seem counterintuitive, but the antidote for loneliness can sometimes be found in solitude—especially when we define solitude as not simply time alone, but time alone with God. God can fill our spiritual tank. But just as you can’t fill a car while driving it down the road, spiritual filling requires us to slow down and connect with the source.

Be sure to understand the distinction between time alone being with God and time spent alone doing tasks for God. There’s a big difference.

Leaders are people who get things done. We’re task-oriented. While that’s helpful, it can fuel an underlying belief that God’s approval is related to our accomplishments, even contingent upon them. That’s another way of saying we believe God’s love is conditional.

When we simply take time to be alone, and to be with God, without tasks or even an agenda (such as study, memorization, lesson prep), we affirm our faith in God’s unconditional love. Does he really love me when I’m not doing something for him?The only way to find out, and thereby truly experience that deep, unconditional love, is to stop doing for a while. Just be with God and know him (See Psalm 46).

Seek Community

This may seem like the opposite of the previous strategy. But if you look, for example, at the life of Jesus, you’ll see that he engaged in both solitude and community. We need time alone with God, but we also need others to minister to us, to encourage us. God designed us to live in community with others. He can speak to us through others and in the quiet of our hearts.

If you find this challenging, you may need to ask yourself, Am I keeping people at a distance? Am I willing to risk revealing my need for support or encouragement? Am I valuing tasks over people?

Seek out other leaders, or friends who have some emotional distance from your leadership position. (In other words, people who are in another organization or are not your direct reports.) Look for friends who will support you but also be willing to tell you the truth when it’s not pretty.

Be willing to seek spiritual friendship in which you can both be honest, where you can take off the leadership hat and just be yourself. Jesus did ministry in community, and we’d do well to follow his example.

Other people who lead in other environments often can provide the understanding and support you need. But you have to be brave enough to ask.

Loneliness is inevitable at times. Rather than avoid it by getting busy, let that quiet ache in your heart push you toward God.Use these three practices—slowing down, solitude, and community—to experience his presence and to create some space for God in your life.

Keri Wyatt Kent teaches and writes about spiritual formation, leadership, and discipleship. Connect with her at KeriWyattKent.com.

Finding Support in the Lonely Days of Leadership

Written by Jenni Catron at Gifted for Leadership

If I could name one word to describe the most surprising characteristic of life as a leader, it would be the word lonely. It’s not a word they prepare you for, by the way. Yes, I had heard people say that leadership was lonely, but I didn’t really believe them. The leaders who said they were lonely always seemed to be surrounded by plenty of people. They were needed, respected, and frequently sought out for wisdom and counsel.

Then one day I experienced it. With more leadership responsibility than I’d ever had before, I couldn’t shake the aching loneliness I felt. I too was surrounded by people, lots of them, but most of them needed me for something I could do for them. My circle of people who just wanted to be with me without needing me was shrinking fast. I didn’t want anyone and I wanted everyone at the same time. 

Loneliness is a dangerous byproduct of leadership. One that can start to demoralize and diminish your effectiveness. The higher up you go in the leadership ranks of your organization, the more isolated you can become. It doesn’t have to be this way, but loneliness and isolation are the natural destinations for leaders who haven’t purposefully charted another course.

Part of the maturity of leadership is recognizing the potential for loneliness and isolation, and building in protective measures to combat them. In our book, Just Lead!, my co-author Sherry Surratt suggests that we need to have two kinds of people in our lives: encouragers and challengers. “The encouragers always have kind, affirming words for you that refresh you and keep you going. The challengers always make you think further, work harder, and push you to grow into all that you can be.”

In addition to your encouragers and challengers, you need safe friends and family who don’t need you because you’re a leader. I’ve even had to learn to create new boundaries and expectations with my family. As a natural born leader, I have always been the one to take charge and make plans. A few years ago when my leadership capacity increased significantly, I realized I was avoiding hanging out with my family because I constantly felt the pressure to lead. Rather than relaxed and comfortable with the people who know me best, I was anxious and feeling tremendous responsibility. In an effort to run from those feelings, I drifted further into isolation, perpetuating my feelings of loneliness.

One of the greatest gifts we can give those we lead is a healthy version of ourselves. As Sherry wrote, “We were created to live in community. Hebrews 10:25 reminds us of this: ‘Don’t give up the habit of meeting together; instead let us encourage one another.’ God created us with the need to lean into him and to others. Ask God to send those encouragers into your life and for the courage to be vulnerable and admit when your encouragement tank is running low. God also reminds us in Proverbs 27:17, ‘As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.’ Ask God today to send the challengers you need and the wisdom to seek their input.”

Where is leadership keeping you isolated? When do you feel lonely? Your health and strength as a leader hinge on your awareness of how this byproduct of your leadership can inhibit you from leading well. Pray for God to show you the encouragers and challengers you need to invite into your life.

Jenni Catron is executive director of Cross Point, a mega-church in Tennessee. She is the founder of Cultivate Her, an organization dedicated to connecting, engaging, and inspiring young women leaders.